Some birds are …

Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.

It blows me away how life never fails to throw little signs and moments of clarity at me each time I’m feeling lost or lose sight of my dreams. I stumbled upon The Shawshank Redemption last night, and of course couldn’t pass up watching this classic. And all for good reason. Although I have seen the movie countless number of times, each time proves to be a different experience and leaves me with a different feeling at the end. Last night this particular quote seemed to grab ahold of me and tugged at my heart strings. It’s amazing how much these words from Stephen King seem to pertain to my life at this very moment in time… 

It’s truly hard to fathom the last time I posted on my blog I was sitting in Italy reflecting back on a month of traveling and exploring that beautifully chaotic country with my dad. To this day, all of my travel experiences and adventures thus far seem like a distant dream and I have to pinch myself and remind myself that that was my reality for a year and a half, and not just a dream. 

Next week marks 4 months that I’ve been back in the States…. and I cannot even begin to wrap my head around that. It feels like just yesterday I was stumbling around Munich in my dirndl, celebrating the end of Oktoberfest with all of the people I shared the previous 15 months with. Four months later and here I am in Waynesville, NC with 9,000 other people and an aching heart daydreaming about the next time I get to hop on a plane and ‘just go….’ 

Although I would never take back this time I’ve been blessed with to reconnect with family and friends, I’ll never forget the night I drove to my best friend’s house sobbing, and standing in her kitchen telling her I didn’t think this was the place for me and although I was physically here, my heart belonged somewhere else. Only those that have lived abroad could possibly understand this heartbreak. That once you’ve experienced this, you will never be the same. You will always be in love with your two different lives and your heart will always long for the other. In this very moment, I began to understand the true meaning of these emotions. I decided it was time for me to make moves and start looking for the next adventure so I had something to look forward to, and could envision a light at the end of the tunnel.

After some time, I found the thing I was always looking for, and knew I needed – a teaching position in Thailand. However, I also found something I have never looked for, and never knew I needed – an unexpected relationship with an amazing guy I’ve known all of my life. My world was flipped upside down, just as the old gypsy woman told me would happen as she read my tarot cards and future to me in that abandoned alleyway in Rome back in August. 

I am a Sagittarius and although we are known to wear our hearts on our sleeves and express our emotions very passionately, I have never been one to broadcast my business and personal life on this level, but I’m hoping through writing and connecting with my fellow wanderlust souls, I will be able to find some clarity. Some sort of guidance. Any peace of mind I can grasp onto. 

Unfortunately, because of certain circumstances, this person is unable to join me on this adventure…and I respect him wanting (and needing) to finish his college degree before taking on a challenge like this. But I’m so scared for what that means for ‘us.’ I will be in Thailand and he will be home in North Carolina. I will be following my dream of living abroad again, while he follows his to go to University and complete a distinguished degree. There will be over 9,000 miles and an 18 hour plane ride distancing us, yet both of us believe in what we have so much that we’re going to try our hardest to make it work. But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had those ‘what if’s’ thoughts clouding my mind every single day.  I feel like I’m being torn between two dreams. People tell me, “just follow your heart,” but how can I possibly do that when my heart is equally as invested in both? Traveling and going on adventures has always been the thing I’m most passionate about in life. It’s always been, ‘if I don’t go on this trip, I’ll be missing out on discovering something new and exciting.’ Now I feel like, ‘am I going to miss out on a great and true love if I DO go on this trip?’ Of course, I’ve thought about the quote we’ve all heard one too many times, “If you love something set it free. If it comes back it was meant to be,” but a part of me can’t even begin to imagine leaving him come April, or being able to deal with the distance for an entire year. It’s the essence of what BITTERSWEET truly means. 

In the past, times like this I would just pack up and go on a trip to escape and deal with things. But that very thing is causing the turmoil in my heart this time, and I have absolutely no idea where to go from here………….